Wolf at the door

Trotters

The reason of course, did not lie in Kotovsky and his trotters. The reason lay in Anna, in the elusive and inexplicable quality of her beauty, which from the very first moment had made me invent and ascribe to her a soul of profound and subtle feeling. I could not possibly have dreamed that an ordinary pair of trotters might be capable of rendering their owner attractive in her eyes. And yet it was so. The strangest thing of all, I thought, was that I assumed that a woman needs something else. But what might that be - the riches of the spirit?
I laughed out loud and two chickens walking along the edge of the road fluttered away from me in fright.
Now that was interesting, I reasoned, for if I were truthful with myself, that was precisely what I have thought - that there existed in me something capable of attracting this woman and raising me in her eyes immeasurably higher than any owner of a pair of trotters. But the very comparison already involved a quite intolerable vulgarity - in accepting I was myself reducing to the level of a pair of trotters what should in my view seem of an immeasurably greater value to her?My inner world? The things that I think and feel? I groaned out loud in disgust at myself. It was time I stopped deceiving myself, I thought. For years now my main problem had been how to rid myself of all these thoughts and feelings and leave mu so-called inner world behind me on some rubbish tip. But even if I assumed for a moment that it did have some kind of value, at least of an aesthetic kind, that did not change a thing - everything beautiful tat can exists in a human being is inaccessible even to the person in whom it exists. How could it really be possible to fix it with the eye of introspection and say: "There it was, it is and it will be?" Was it really possible in any sense to possess it, to say, in fact, that it belonged to anyone? How could I compare with Kotovsky's trotters something that bore no relation to myself, something which I have merely glimpsed in the finest seconds of my life? And how could I blame Anna if she refuses to see in me I have long ago ceased to see in myself? No, this was genuinely absurd - even in those rare moments of life when I have perhaps discovered this most important of things, I have felt quite clearly that it was absolutely to express it. It might be that someone utters a succinct phrase as he gases out of the window at the sunset, and no more. But what I myself say when I gaze out at sunsets and sunrises has long irritated me beyond all tolerance. My soul is not endowed with any special beauty, I thought, quite the opposite - I was seeking in Anna what had never existed in myself. All that remained of me when I saw her was an aching void which could only be filled by her presence, her voice, her face. So what could I offer her instead of a ride with Kotovsky on his trotters - myself? In other words, my hope that in intimacy with her I might discover the answer to some vague and confused question tormenting my soul? Absurd. Had I been in her position myself, I would have chosen to ride the trotters with Kotovsky.
(Victor Pelevin: The Clay Machine-Gun)

There is a girl...

There is a girl in our office building here in London who looks just like Liv Tyler - 10 years. It makes your jaws drop. What I can tell is that all my thougts regarding her are of sexually explicit nature.

Weekend flexuality

I had a long weekend and I thought I try my hands on some Actionscript programming. Creating a multiplayer game always bugged me but every time till now I was getting nowhere so I adopt a step by step approach. I will not make any plans, I will work on it when I have the time and we will see where all this goes in the future. So here it is a teaser for now or the state of the art in my gameland.

Me

Got it in the morning, a pure representation of my inner self reflected through popular culture, Now I'm in sync with our time :)

Amsterdam delayed

There are those moments in life when in a couple of seconds everything just turns around, the sky goes dark, the truth becomes a lie, all your plans, your actual place in the world is altered in an irreversible way, like when you realize that bought your plane tickets in inverse direction.

Amsterdam

Tomorrow is the night, 21:00 Amsterdam Central Station. A young man stands before the familiar pillars. He turns his gaze slowly from right to left. "Yes this is it" the scream of joy in his mind sparks a flush of endorphin in his bloodstream. The familiar sight of the cafe-shop ignites a rush of cozy nostalgic feelings. I'm home as I ever be.
He slowly begins to walk towards the corner preparing himself for the next near-life experience.

Into the Wild

A sad and true story about freedom and what makes us happy. IMDB

Welcome to the brave new world...

First post hope it's not the last, forming new habits is not an easy at all plus looking behind in the past I see only tiny shards of organized behavior. Time will tell ... let's hope for the best.